The Quest for the Perfect Pair of Roos
Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve worn cotton briefs. My Mom did put me in nylon briefs for a time until she finally realized I was allergic to them and my little bum looked like I had measles. I’ve navigated years of underwear purchases fairly well until this year.
I’m a big fan of comfort and functionality. I’m weird, I guess, but I don’t find underwear and bras sexy. I never could understand the fascination with Victoria’s Secret. Lace, under wires, foam padding and god knows what else women stuff themselves into to feel sexy or look sexy for their mate. When I had to start wearing a bra, I hunted for the plainest one I could find. After sorting through a horde of bras, I found a basic white one, but it had a stupid little bow in between the cups. Was this supposed to make one feel more feminine that a BRA had a little bow on it? I promptly cut that sucker off with a pair of scissors. Today, it’s sports bras all the way.
So for decades, I’ve worn plain, white, all cotton briefs (yes, granny panties) with elastic at the legs and I’ve had no problem finding them, until now. I wore briefs from Sears for the past decade. Once I found out they fit the way I liked, I stockpiled those puppies. I broke out my last pack of new ones a few years ago and as happens with all roos, they wear out. Just when they are the most comfortable, they start getting holes. A few, you can make excuses for, but after a while, you know you just have to bid them adieu.
Time to face reality, I headed back to Sears. Well, to say that the quality has dropped off, would be an understatement. My once seamless roos have seams on both sides (ouch), the elastic is cheap as hell and the cotton so thin you could shoot peas through it. So much for those. I started exploring other brands. Undertaking the mighty underwear quest, I combed through mall stores, Target and Walmart. Even looked online. Wasn’t impressed. Bought I don’t know how many packages only to find them as crappy as the Sears’ ones. Time was running out…in an act of desperation, I decided to check out the men’s underwear. Figured, what the hell do I have to lose? It’s winter in Maine, it’s 35 below out, and I NEED underwear. So I checked out the boxers…nope too loose feeling and what’s with all the plaids? Like wearing a little kilt under your jeans. Tried the short style…felt like I was wearing another pair of pants under my pants. For shits and grins, I bought a package of tighty whities. Felt very weird picking those out and taking them to the register. Felt even weirder trying them on, but I did. They fit well, they didn’t have any seams, the elastic was nicely covered with soft cotton, they didn’t ride up me bum. Of course, they do have that unnecessary hole in the front, but it doesn’t open up, so who cares. I wore them around the house for a few days before I worked up the gumption to wear them out in the world. They work great and they are way cheaper than women’s underpants which is very interesting since they are better made, use more material and require more work to construct. I’m still holding on to the last few pairs of women’s briefs for any possible Dr visits, but I ran out and bought another package of tighty whities. I can only imagine what would happen if I do get in a car accident and I’m discovered wearing men’s underwear, but until then, I’ll enjoy being comfortable and warm when our subzero winter returns.